Thursday, April 3, 2014

Yesterday and Today


I look across the valley to the north mountain. It appears as if the heavy grey clouds have come to rest on the top. Patches of white fields, interrupted by tree stands mark the mountain side. It looks cold and foreboding, not inviting, as it is in the spring and summer.

Those grey clouds stretch across the valley to our side. In whatever direction you look there are clouds. Do they hold more snow? More freezing rain? As I watch, they seem to be lowering and the top of the mountain is now hidden.


The answer to the above question is, yes. Snow fell in the evening. Dawn, the girls and I went to a play presented by the local high school drama club, and it was snowing before we went in, and continued through the evening, and as we drove home. This morning, it is a bit brighter, but still cloudy. The valley and N. Mountain are cloaked in grey. At least the road is bare, and the temperature is above freezing.

It is hard to get up the desire to accomplish something each day. My mood is dark, and I find myself standing or sitting, eyes closed, lost in thoughts that are meaningless. I am weary and need to see the sun, to feel its warmth an have its light brighten my mood. I don't much care at this point whether I do anything. It seems I move in spurts, dots and dashes, doing whatever is necessary but not much else. Sometimes I need to make myself do something, such as going to the play.

Added to my dark mood is my concern for my little Sadie. She was 10 in January, and I have just recently learned that she has heart disease. I am giving her medication, and watching her closely. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away. She seems to be doing OK in her second week of medication, but I can't stop thinking about it. The vet suggested keeping  a 'Sadie Journal', so I am doing that. She had fluid in her lungs and was coughing constantly. The coughing was awful, sounding like a honking or quacking and gagging as though she was trying to clear something from her throat, and couldn't . One of her pills has cleared this up quite a bit, so that she is not coughing. Her vet has been very caring and is trying to do as much as possible to get Sadie through this. The heart disease can't be cured, but hopefully whatever we do will halt its progress or at least slow it down. For now, as always, we take one day at a time.

As I look up I see a tiny bit of blue sky. As I watch, the clouds move to cover it....... come back I think......soon........ eventually......

I write about my mood, in order to acknowledge it, to remain aware, and to face it, rather than being enveloped by it.

Looking forward to better days ahead........


  1. looking for something to do? we have a lot of sap down here that needs to be boiled down to syrup I can bring you some - Liam

  2. Oh, Bonnie, how I hope the sun will appear and you will have some lovely spring weather to brighten up your days.
    Poor little Sadie :(
    I am sad to hear of her heart disease.
    I am keeping the both of you in my good thoughts and prayers.


    1. Thank you Margie. It is hard to know what to do.

  3. I'm not surprised your mood is low, Bonnie, what with yet more snow and grey skies and worry about Sadie's illness. It's good that you have a concerned and pro-active vet and I'm glad the medication seems to be helping. I'm sure good spring weather would help both you and Sadie.

    1. I meant to add that my niece has a 12 year-old rescue dog, a chihuahua, with heart disease and this is being very well-controlled by medication, so hopefully Sadie's will be too.

    2. Sadie has a vet appointment tomorrow morning so we shall see how she is doing. The problem now is she does not want to eat. I shall post how she is making out. Thanks for all you comments. It is good to have you back. I missed you.

  4. I believe that when you acknowledge all of your feelings, then they don't consume you. Whenever you try to suppress something, it seems to take over your thoughts, your actions. Acknowledge, disperse, dispel. I'm not an expert, but this is what allows my dark thoughts to pass. (The sun helps too!) xo

    1. I am going to write your words down and put them where I will be able to see them, over and over. I do struggle with letting thoughts consume everything, but maybe I am getting better at that too. Thank you. xx